bullet # - Miscellaneous

Music:
Season 3 intro.
Narrator: It's Arrested Development.



Buster:
(Laugh.)

 
bullet 101 - The Pilot

Michael:
What comes before anything? What have we always said is the most important thing?
George Michael: Breakfast.

 
bullet 103 - Bringing Up Buster

Buster:
?Cause I? an uptight... (long bleep)... Buster... (long bleep)... you old horny slut!?br> Michael: Well, no one? going to top that.



Tobias: You are playing adults...with fully. Pick that up. Pick that up, please. ...with fully formed libidos, not two young men playing grab-ass in the shower.

 
bullet 104 - Key Decisions

Buster:
I know she? a brownish area. With points.



Michael: Yeah, and you?e just jumping right into this, huh?
Buster: Oh, yes, yes. That? what you do when life hands you a chance to be with someone special. You just grab that... that brownish area by its points and you don? let go no matter what your mom says.


 
bullet 106 - Visting Ours

G.O.B.:
Wait a second... wait, wait, wait. Take off your glasses. Oh... wait, wait. Let down your hair. No, glasses on, hair back up. Let? just get that hair right back up.

 
bullet 107 - In God We Trust

Woman in Audience #1:
Where is God?
Woman in Audience #2:
There is no God!

 
bullet 109 - Storming The Castle

Tobias:
Um, I? looking for something that says, ?ad likes leather.?br> Lance: Something that says, ?eather daddy?
Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?

 
bullet 113 - Beef Consomm?br>
Buster:
I?e met her. I fell for her. I?e been watching her program. El amor prohibido. ?he Love that is Forbidden. She is the love that? forbidden. The love of my hermano.
G.O.B.: Wait a second. What? You know Hermano?
Buster: Hermano is brother in Spanish, as in ?ey, hermano.?br>


G.O.B.:
Brother... ?ermano means ?rother?
Buster: Yeah.
G.O.B.: Well... sounds like hermano is about to get his ass kicked.

 
bullet 119 - Best Man for the GOB

Lucille:
Because Buster? your brother and I? not going to leave him home alone with all this j-u-i-c-e around.
Buster: I can spell, Mom. You spelled ?uice.?br> Lucille: Oh, you?e so brilliant. Let? see you find it.


G.O.B.: Yeah, I think that they?e going to know that Annyong? not your...
Annyong: Annyong.
G.O.B.: Would somebody please tell this insufferable child... to... God!

 
bullet 122 - Let 'Em Eat Cake

G.O.B.:
I kind of got my hands full with these babies.
Guard #2: He? got bees! No bees!
Lucille: They don? allow you to have bees in here.


Buster:
Give me that bagel, you little piece of (bleep) Give it to me! (bleep)



Annyong:
Date not over yet, fatty.



G.O.B.:
It will take a lot more than a heart attack to kill that old bear. Old bear! He likes the honey.


G.O.B.:
Heart attack never stopped old Big Bear.
Buster: I didn? even know we were calling him Big Bear.
G.O.B.: We never had a chance to.

 
bullet 204 - Good Grief

George Michael:
I have Pop-Pop in the attic.
Michael: What? The mere fact that you call making love ?op-Pop tells me you?e not ready.



Michael: It? as Ann as the nose on Plain? face.

 
bullet 208 - Queen for a Day

Buster:
I thought I saw a graham cracker out there.
Michael: You baited the balcony?
Lucille: Prove it.

 
bullet 210 - Ready, Aim, Marry Me

Tobias:
Well, yes, but I? afraid I prematurely shot my wad on what was supposed to be a dry run, if you will, so now I? afraid I have something of a mess on my hands.
Michael: There are just so many poorly chosen words in that sentence.

 
bullet 213 - Motherboy XXX

Maeby:
Do you guys know where I could get one of those gold necklaces with the ? on it?
Michael: That? a cross.
Maeby: Across from where?

 
bullet 215 - Sword of Destiny

G.O.B.:
Hi. I need a tea to give my dingle less tingle. Me quick, want slow. Wait, that? Indian.
Asian Man: Tea for dong!



G.O.B.:
Michael, if I make this comeback, I?l buy you a hundred George Michaels that you can teach to drive.



Buster:
And now our magic trick.
G.O.B.: Illusion.
Buster: Silence, slave!


 
bullet 216 - Meat the Veals

Narrator:
... so Buster gets a hook replacement.
Lucille: They?e not going to let you in at the country club with that.
Buster: (As Franklin.) I don? want no part of your tight-ass country-club, you freak bitch!

 
bullet 217 - Spring Breakout

Buster:
He just wants to see boys Linuses.

 
bullet 218 - Righteous Brothers

Buster:
Do you feel okay?
Sizzling.
Oscar: (Yells.) Just forget it! I wanted to share my Pop Secret with you! Oh, but forget it!
Buster: Pop secret? Is Oscar my real father?



Michael:
Since you?e devastating people, go ahead and tell G.O.B. that I?l be telling the cops that it was him in the truck. So he?l be joining me here. I?e got a nice hard cot with his name on it.
Lucille: You? do that to your own brother?
Michael: I said ?ot.?br>
 
bullet 301 - The Cabin Show

G.O.B.:
I don? see you crying, robot.



Lucille:
How am I supposed to find someone willing to go into that musty old claptrap?
Michael: The cabin! Yes, th... well, that would be difficult, too.



G.O.B.:
You taste these tears. Taste my sad, Michael.
Michael: I'm not gonna lick your eye, okay.



G.O.B.:
Taste the happy, Michael. Taste it.
Michael: Tastes kind of like sad.



Lucille:
Well, apparently, mood-altering medication leads to street drugs. That? what this very handsome, young doctor said on The Today Show.
Michael: That was Tom Cruise, the actor.
Lucille: They said he was some kind of scientist.



Oscar:
I even started a website ImOscar.com. I? innocent, Michael. I? Oscar! Dot com!



Michael:
Oh, my God, you?e Oscar.
Oscar: Dot com!



G.O.B.:
I made a huge, tiny mistake.



Narrator:
Steve Holt.
Steve Holt: Steve Holt!

 
bullet 302 - For British Eyes Only

George, Sr.:
Oh, dear God. Send me back to prison. You got to send me back to prison.
Michael: More touching!



Lucille:
(Whispers.) Mama horny, Michael.



George, Sr.:
Because you?e a chicken. You?e a chicken! Coo-coo ca-cha! Coo-coo ca-cha!
Michael: What are you doing?
Lucille: Michael and women?! A-koodle-doodle doo!
George, Sr.: Coo-coo ca-cha!
Lindsay: That? what I was just telling him. Cha! Cha!
George, Sr.: Coo-coo ca-cha!
Lucille: Koodle-doodle!
Michael: Look, I haven? found the right girl. When I do, I will ask her out. Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?
G.O.B.: Wait, wait, wait! I got the perfect thing!
Michael: That? enough.



G.O.B.: Coka-coh! Coka-coh! Coka-coh! Oh, come on!



Michael: ...And you?e the chicken, not me. Cluck-cluck-cluck-cluck...
Horn honking.
Michael: (Screams.)
Lindsay: Okay, that? a pretty good chicken.



Michael: Because you were hiding in the trick.
Tobias: Illusion, Michael.



G.O.B.: My God, what is this feeling?
Michael: Well, you know the-the feeling that you?e... that you?e feeling is-is what many of us call ? feeling.?br> G.O.B.: But it? not like envy, or even hungry.
Michael: Could it be love?
G.O.B.: I know what an erection feels like, Michael. No, it? the opposite. It?... it? like my heart is getting hard. Maybe I am ready to be a father.



Lucille:
I want it out of my living room. Put it in Buster? room.
Buster: That? where she keeps things she has no need for.
Buster: (Sniffs hand.) Oh, God. I? going to run this through again on ?ots and pans.?br>


Ian:
Oh, I? so sorry. You?l need a UK passport to check those files. They?e for British eyes only.
For British eyes only
Michael: Don? I look kind of British?
Ian: Perhaps if you?e willing to lose 20 pounds.



Music:
For British eyes only



Coco: Are you going to buy this time, or you just curious?
Tobias: I suppose I?, uh... buy-curious.



G.O.B.: Steve Holt, what are you doing here?
Steve Holt: I just came to see the magic show. I didn? know it was you.
G.O.B.: Do you like magic?
Steve Holt: No. I love it!



 
bullet 303 - Forget-Me-Now

L
indsay: How do you think I feel? Bob Loblaw? a handsome, professional man and I? only used to... well, none of those things.
Tobias: Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over an analyst and a therapist. The world? first analrapist.



Tobias:
Here, take my business card.
Buster: Gah!
Tobias: No, no, it? pronounced a-nal-ra-pist.
Buster: It wasn? really the pronunciation that bothered me.



Steve Holt:
I?e made a huge mistake.


Steve Holt: I?e made a huge mistake.
G.O.B.: I know the feeling. I had you. I? your father, Steve Holt! I can? hide from it anymore.
Steve Holt: I won? forget this... Dad.
G.O.B.: (Popping Roofie.) I will. I will.

 
bullet 304 - Notapusy

Tobias:
Okay. He may be afraid of sex, but you?e not going to win without it.
George Michael: No, I? not afraid of sex...
Tobias: Oh, good. Have sex with this girl right now. Do it, go. Get in there. Have some sex with her right now. I didn? think so.



Rev. Rob Patterson:
And now, please welcome Annabelle Veal, performing ?e Three Kings with a camel tow.
Ann 2.0: We three kings...



Reggie: The Jerries aren? so bad. They?e just being led by a rotten apple.
Adelaide: Oh, Reggie. Fighting for your country you?e such a pussy.
Reggie: When I miss your lips, I?l put a bleep in my mouth and think of you.
Narrator: That also had a different meaning over there.



Michael: Uh, Steve... how? you like to do that triathlon with me?
Steve Holt: Are you serious?
Michael: Yeah.
Steve Holt: Uncle Mike!
Michael: Steve Holt!
Narrator: Both men felt good about themselves.
Michael: Uncle Mike!
Steve Holt: Steve Holt!



Michael:
I? in a lot of pain, here.
Steve Holt: Yeah, you know, I figured you? be that way, so, uh Coach gave me these. They?e, uh, pills filled with oxygen.
Michael: Yeah?
Steve Holt: They keep you from being incontinent. Have one, they?e called Oxy-Incontinent.
Narrator: Steve didn? have that quite right.



Steve Holt: Don? ask ?an I? Ask ? can! You can control your bladder when you?e dead. No blood, no oil! There? no ? in ?in!



Narrator: But as it turns out, the fair had two Startled Straight tents. And George, Sr. had wandered into the church-sponsored one...
George, Sr.: Do you want to become some guy? girlfriend?
Narrator: ...intended to scare gay young men into a heterosexual lifestyle.
George, Sr.: You want to have some guy reach around you in the middle of the night, start messing with your junk?
Teen Boy #1: Is he ugly?
George, Sr.: No, it? pitch black. You don? see him, and it never stops, guys. And everybody acts like it? no big deal.
Teen Boy #1: Is there a cover charge?



Buster: Hey, possible nephew.


 
bullet 305 - Mr. F

Music:
Mister F.



G.O.B.:
You?e been spending a lot of time with Rita, and she? British-ish.
Buster: She's a spy



Lucille:
Which it would have been if Michael hadn? been so busy with his... English muffin.
G.O.B.: Typical.
Buster: Delicious.
Lucille: I need a drink.
Buster: I?l take an English muffin.



G.O.B.:
God knows they?e squinters.



Michael:
They, uh, come from a culture that values honor and respect.
G.O.B.: And Godzilla! (Roars like Godzilla.)
Buster: God-zirra! (Roaring.)
George, Sr.:
God-zirra! (Roaring.)
Larry:
Roar.
Michael:
This needs to stop now.



Buster:
She? a spy!
Michael: Rita is not a spy, okay? She? a beautiful, elegant woman. It doesn? make sense.
G.O.B.: What doesn? make any sense is why she? dating you.
Bob Loblaw: No, that? a good point.
Bob Loblaw: Actually my sources tell me that the leak goes by the name ?r. F.?br> Michael: Ah. ?r. F. Rita? not a man.
G.O.B.: As far as you know.
Lucille: And it could be an alias.
Buster: Alias is a show about a spy!



Frank: You ready?
Tobias: Oh, yes, I? going to be a great mole. Check, two, three. Let Lily lick Lionels lusty leathers...
Jay #2: The levels are fine.



 
bullet 306 - The Ocean Walker

Michael: She? not pregnant truthfully, we haven? even slept together.
All laughing.
Lucille: This is funny!
Buster: He? gay!



Buster: ...And my hook is stuck in the staircar.
Buster: (Singing with song.) Domo arigato, Mister Roboto...
Clunking.
Buster: Oh...



George, Sr.: Because it is obvious what she? after.
Lucille: Our money.
Buster: Oh, God, our money!
Michael: Let? just all relax, and remind ourselves that we don? have any money.
Buster: She? already gotten our money!



Narrator: And so George Michael drove Rita to Wee Britain.
Rita: It? nice to be with some so young. We can listen to young people? music for a change.
George Michael: Great, yeah, please.
Radio dial clicks on.
Man: (/ Hot potato, hot potato / /Hot po-ta-to... / /Hot ?otat-o /.)
Rita: /Hot potat-o, hot potat-o... /
Narrator: That? when he first grew concerned.



Rita: Rita corny, Michael.



Michael: Oh, no, she? going into the grapes.
George Michael: Yeah, she really liked those. I? sorry. I think she might be... retar... retarded. I? sorry. I? really sorry.



Michael: I?e made a huge mistake.



Rita: Wait? Why? I don? want to wait. I want to get married and have sexual relations like you promised.
Michael: Uh...
Lucille: Where did you get this firecracker?



G.O.B.: And check out banner, Michael!



Larry: Larry go to a mirror!
George, Sr.: You?e fired.
Larry: You?e fired. What?! It? over. And this is how you tell me, in the middle of a wedding? You shouldn? have said anything. You shouldn? have said anything. YOU shouldn? have said anything!



Michael: Hang on a sec. That? part of your trick, right?
G.O.B.: No. That? not my trick, Michael.
Narrator: On the next Arrested Development...
G.O.B.: It? my illusion.



Buster: Oh, put him out, put him out!
Tobias: My hair, my beautiful hair!
Michael: Push him in the pool.
Thud.
Tobias: Why am I not going under water? Dear God, why am I not going under water?


 
bullet 307 - Prison Break-In

Michael: So, can? a guy call his mom pretty without it seeming strange?
Buster: Amen! And how about that little piece of tail on her? Cute!
Michael: I?e opened a door here that I regret.
Lucille: Oh, he? just talking about his stupid turtle.
Michael: Oh.
Buster: She has a name, Mother. And it? ?other.?b>



George, Sr.:
Hah look at me, I? having the time of my life!



Tobias: Oh, come on, don? leave your Uncle Teabag hanging.
George Michael: Please don? call yourself that.



African-American Boy Inmate:
Nobody sells any coke in this pen without daddy getting a taste.
Boy Gentiles: Beat him with a pillow case full of batteries.



Girl Lucille: You were just using me to get even with the man who broke out of your prison?
Boy Gentiles: That escape cost me my promotion. And you?l pay for the loss of $2,300 a year.
Girl Lucille: But you gave me presents. We made love.
Boy Gentiles: I?e given you one last present. Enjoy the chlamydia, Lucille. (Laughs.) Take this newly-diseased woman to the hole. (Laughs.)



Boy Prisoner #1:
Anything can happen when two people share a cell, cuz.



Buster:
Uncle/Father Oscar?



Buster:
Hey, Father/Uncle Dad.



Warden Gentiles: It? perfectly innocent. But I can see how, if our roles were reversed, I might have you beaten with a pillowcase full of batteries.



Lindsay: She just called to ask me to bring her a tube of vag... is... table paste. Hi, George Michael.



George Michael: ?ecause anything can happen when two people share a cell, cuz.?br>


Lucille: Did you like the chlamydia thing? I gave him that.
Michael: You gave him chlamydia?
Lucille: He had crabs, and I said, ?ou?e gonna get laughs.?br>


Lucille: Oh, Michael, honey. I want to cry so bad. But I don? think I can spare the moisture.



Lucille: Please, Warden?
Warden Gentiles: I can? say no to the woman who gave me chlamydia.


 
bullet 308 - Making a Stand

Buster:
Just like I showed Mr. al-Jibaaly Muhammed a-Abat. I stole the sign. Of course I left my hand there also.



G.O.B.:
Anyway, it involves us making some money with our Mexican friends from Colombia.
Michael: I think they?e called Colombians.
G.O.B.:
Oh, I forgot, we're being politically correct now.



G.O.B.:
If you feel something moving down there, it? just the bird.
Michael: I know it.



Bob Loblaw:
Actually, I was going to stay in my office tonight and work on my law blog.
Tobias: Of course the ?ob Loblaw Law Blog. Wow. You, sir, are a mouthful!



G.O.B.:
Why go to a banana stand when we can make your banana stand? I give you Barbara and Dee! Don? worry, these young beauties have been nowhere near the bananas.



George Michael:
Dad, are they strippers?
Michael:
If I know your uncle, they?e at least strippers.



Michael:
Like you used to do with the Boyfights videos?
Eblin: Boyfights? Luchas del Muchachos.
Rolando: S? ?Luchas de Muchachos!
Memo: We had this video.
Eblin: ?Si!
Narrator: The tapes were a big hit in Latin America.
Lucille: Don? look at me. I had nothing to do with them. Except for some of the Baby Buster shorts.
George, Sr.: Maybe I was trying to teach you something. Maybe I was trying to teach you how to compete. I didn? do it with Buster and look how he turned out.
Rolando: Is Buster.
Memo: Bebe Buster.
Eblin: Yo quiero leche, yo quiero leche de madre.
Memo: Even though I? so old.
Michael: Boy, those tapes made quite an impression on these three painters.
Buster: I think I turned out pretty darned well, myself.



Lucille: I? thirsty.
Screaming.



Michael: What is more pathetic than grown men being scared of their father?
Lucille: I? thirsty.
Men screaming.
Narrator: This continued for a while.



Michael: We need the number of the one-armed man.
Buster: I? not giving you that. You want to use his disability to scare someone. That? everything I? against.
Buster: Read the button, Mister!
Michael: (Slowly.) ?he only scary thing about a one-arm man trying to scare someone is the fact...?br> Buster: ?..that he feels that his one arm is good for nothing but trying to scare somebody.?br> Michael: It? upside down.
Buster: Well, let? see you try to put a button on with this.
G.O.B.: (Screams.)
Buster: Stop screaming. It? not scary!



Policeman #2:
Drop the gun!
Gunshot; screaming.
Buster: Oh, my God!
Michael: Buster? good hand just... came... ...flying off.
Buster: And that? why you don? use a one-armed person to scare someone.



Movie Trailer: This Christmas, terror has a new face...
Lucille: I? thirsty...
Screaming.
Movie Trailer: Gangee.


 
bullet 309 - S.O.Bs

Tobias: You know, Michael, if I may take off my acting pants for a moment and pull my analrapist stocking over my head.



Tobias:
I think he may have developed what we in the soft sciences refer to obsessive-compulsive disorder. Or the O.C. disorder.
Michael: Don? call it that.



Narrator:
Please tell your friends about this show.



G.O.B.:
The boy who couldn? cry.
Buster: He? a robot!



Buster: I? so hungry.
Lindsay: Would you like to try some of this?
Buster: It? so watery. And yet there? a smack of ham to it.
Lindsay: It? hot ham water.



Buster: Sister? my new mother, Mother.
Buster: And is it just me, or is she looking hotter, too?
Lucille: Well, why don? you marry her?
Buster: Maybe I will!



Tobias: But guess what? There? a new daddy in town.
Music: / A new daddy in town... /
Tobias: A discipline daddy.
Music: / A discipline daddy / Gonna spank your behind, uh-huh... /
Tobias: Oh, it? a... it? a parenting tape.



John Beard: Do you know the Muffin Man? There? a reward in it if you do.



G.O.B.: If you didn? have adult onset diabetes, I wouldn? mind giving you a little sugar.
Mrs. Van Skoyk: Oh, G.O.B... you could charm the black off a telegram boy.



Lucille: We?l have the lobster tail.
Narrator: ...until this happened.
G.O.B.: And maybe later you can save a little piece of tail for me.
Lucille: (Screams.)
G.O.B.: Come on!


 
bullet

310 - Faking It

Judge Reinhold: My name is Judge.



G.O.B.
: They call me up to the stand, say something like, ?ho? this little friend? And he?l say...
Judge Reinhold: (Voiced from Franklin.) My name is Judge.
G.O.B.: (As himself.) Who? name is Judge?
Judge Reinhold: My name is...
Michael: Okay.
G.O.B.: That? a silly name.
Michael: That? enough.
Judge Reinhold: Judge. My name...
G.O.B.: Yes, I am judging your name. It am silly.
Judge Reinhold: Is...
Michael: Please stop.
G.O.B.: Oh, now you?e correcting my grammar?
Michael: G.O.B., not going to put Franklin on the stand, and your lips are moving just little bit.
Judge Reinhold: Judge.
G.O.B.: He? right, his name is Judge now.



William Hung: (Off-key.) / Mock trial with J. Reinhold / / Mock trial / / Mock trial with J. Reinhold / / Mock trial / / Mock trial with J. Reinhold / / Mock trial!



Music: / It ain? easy being white / / It ain? easy being brown / / You?e my bro / / Not my brother. /



 

bullet 311 - Family Ties

G.O.B.: (On phone, unbeknownst to Michael.) Yo, man, you owe me money. I ain? no dummy. It better be soon or you?e going to feel my hand up your bleep.



Nellie: We?e gonna have some ground rules first, okay? No bleep bleep bleep or bleep. And no bleep unless you?e wearing a bleep or you bleep bleep. If this winds up on the Web, I will bleep you in the bleep.
Ted: Our computers don? even work on the Internet.
Nellie: Who? first?



G.O.B.: (In a deep voice, unknown to Michael.) Don? touch that light.
Michael: What?
G.O.B.: This is what happens when you steal from Frank? stable without paying. You want to be her pimp? You got to settle up.
Michael: Pimp? You mean that she?...?
G.O.B.: A lady of the evening. Working girl. She turns illusions for money...
Narrator: And that? when Michael recognized the voice.
G.O.B.: ...tricks.
Michael: Wait a minute.
G.O.B.: Don? you do it! Ain? nobody going to see what Frank look like!
Michael: Franklin is Frank?
Music: Mr. F.

 
bullet 312 - Exit Strategy

Tobias: ? flower in my garden, a mystery in my panties.?br> Wayne Jarvis: Again, this is not an audition for a CBS show.



G.O.B.:
And now I would like to behold one of the late great Jesus biggest illusions, The Burning Bush.
Crowd: (Chanting.) Burn Bush, burn Bush, burn Bush, burn Bush...
Narrator: But soon the becurity forces arrived to suppress what now appeared to be an anti-American demonstration.
G.O.B.: (Screams.)
Crowd: Burn Bush, burn Bush...
American MP: That? okay, use your foot. The thigh bruises. What doesn?? Try again.



Saddam: You?e got the wrong guy. The real Saddam has a scar on his head. I? no scar. I? No scar.
Michael: Oh, my God.
Saddam: Dot com.


 
bullet 313 - Harboring Resentment

Narrator:
Soon, George Michael went to Ann? to try to win her back. But her Uncle Paul told him that Ann had moved in with her boyfriend. He also mentioned that we all only had three more weeks on earth, and that fossils were just something the Jews buried in 1924.



Tobias:
Although, perhaps I should call the ?ot Cops and tell them to come up with something more nautically themed. Hot Sailors. Better yet, Hot Seam...
Michael: I like Hot Sailors.
Tobias: Mmm. Me, too.



Lucille:
Annyong?
Annyong: Annyong.
Buster: Annyong?
Annyong: Annyong.
Annyong: But my real name is Hel-loh.
Buster: Hello?
Annyong: Annyong.



Narrator: It was Arrested Development.